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How Common Is Cheating in Relationships?
If you’ve ever wondered “how often do people cheat?” the statistics from evolutionary psychology research might surprise you. According to extensive scientific research documented in The Evolution of Desire by David Buss (affiliate link):
- Approximately 50% of men engage in some form of extramarital affair during their lifetime
- Between 35-50% of women pursue extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage
- Nearly 50% of children in America don’t live with both biological parents, making stepfamilies increasingly common
These infidelity statistics are significantly higher than what most people expect. I’m shocked personally. That suggests understanding why cheating happens and how to prevent it is crucial for relationship success.
Why Do People Have Affairs? The Psychology Behind Cheating
Biological and Evolutionary Factors
Research shows that men and women cheat for different evolutionary reasons:
Why men cheat: Men seek more sexual variety and face lower biological costs if they get someone pregnant. This leads to higher rates of extramarital affairs compared to women, though the gap isn’t as large as commonly believed.
Why women cheat: Women are more likely to have affairs with men of higher status than their current partner. Research indicates that women will switch to short-term mating strategies when:
- The gender ratio works against them (fewer available quality men)
- Their current partner isn’t meeting commitment or resource needs
- They encounter significantly higher-status alternatives
The Ongoing Evaluation Process
One surprising finding: Both men and women continuously evaluate other potential partners, even when they’re in committed relationships and have no immediate plans to act on these evaluations. This unconscious assessment is an evolved behavior that persists regardless of relationship satisfaction.
Resource and Power Dynamics That Lead to Cheating
Women who earn significantly more than their partners or who have substantial independent income often have:
- More freedom to leave unsatisfying relationships
- Greater willingness to end relationships when their partner isn’t contributing equally
- Higher standards for effort and ambition from their partner
This doesn’t mean high-earning women cheat more, but they have less tolerance for partners who don’t pull their weight.
How to Prevent Cheating: What Actually Works
The Most Effective Strategy (Backed by Research)
Out of all mate retention strategies studied, one emerged as most effective:
Showing consistent signs of affection and kindness that signal you’re still invested in your partner.
This simple strategy outperformed more dramatic approaches like:
- Mate guarding (being possessive or controlling)
- Displays of jealousy
- Verbal threats or manipulation
- Constant surveillance
What Women Need to Stay Committed
Research across multiple cultures identified these top traits women seek in long-term partners:
- Kindness – Consistently ranked in the top 3 most desired traits, especially kindness directed specifically at them
- Emotional stability – Dependable emotional responses without erratic jealousy or mood swings
- Dependability – Reliable follow-through on commitments and promises
- Ambition and industriousness – Women are turned off by lack of ambition or laziness
- Signs of commitment – Actions that demonstrate loyalty and long-term investment
The Trade-Off Between Resources and Commitment
Women often face a choice between:
- Men with more resources who may be less faithful
- Men with fewer resources who are willing to commit long-term
High-value women are willing to choose men with fewer resources if those men demonstrate strong commitment through consistent actions.
Understanding Mate Guarding
Men engage in mate guarding most intensely when their female partner is in her 20s (peak fertility years). Common tactics include:
- Staying physically closer to their partner in social situations
- Making the relationship status public
- Increased displays of affection in public
- Sometimes escalating to verbal threats (unhealthy approach)
Note: While some mate guarding is natural, excessive controlling behavior is counterproductive and unhealthy.
Practical Steps to Affair-Proof Your Relationship
1. Prioritize Daily Affection and Kindness
Small, consistent gestures matter more than grand occasional displays:
- Regular physical affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding)
- Verbal expressions of love and appreciation
- Small acts of service and consideration
- Quality time without distractions
2. Demonstrate Commitment Through Actions
Don’t just say you’re committed—show it:
- Make your partner a priority in scheduling and decision-making
- Integrate them into your social circles and family
- Make long-term plans together
- Share resources and responsibilities
3. Practice Selective Kindness
Women specifically value kindness directed at them over general kindness to everyone:
- Show your partner they’re special and prioritized
- Dedicate resources (time, attention, money) specifically to them
- Don’t spread yourself so thin helping others that your partner feels neglected
4. Stay Ambitious and Engaged
Both in life and in the relationship:
- Continue pursuing goals and personal growth
- Contribute equally to household responsibilities
- Show initiative in improving the relationship
- Don’t become complacent or lazy
5. Be Aware of Risk Factors
Recognize when affair risk may be elevated:
- Major life transitions (career changes, aging, weight gain/loss)
- Shifts in income or status for either partner
- Changes in the local dating pool or social circles
- Extended periods of emotional disconnect
- One partner significantly out-earning the other while carrying most household burden
6. Address Emotional Needs Proactively
Don’t wait for problems to escalate:
- Regular check-ins about relationship satisfaction
- Address feelings of being undervalued immediately
- Ensure both partners feel seen, heard, and appreciated
- Seek couples counseling early if issues arise
Red Flags: Warning Signs Your Relationship May Be at Risk
Watch for these indicators that affair risk may be increasing:
Emotional distance:
- Decreased affection and quality time together
- Partner seems emotionally checked out
- Less communication about daily life and feelings
Resentment building:
- One partner feels they’re carrying unfair burden
- Lack of appreciation or acknowledgment
- Scorekeeping or frequent complaints about effort imbalance
Ambition mismatch:
- One partner has given up on goals or personal growth
- Significant difference in drive and work ethic
- Resentment over one partner “settling” while other advances
External pressures:
- Major increase in attractive alternatives (new job, social media, etc.)
- Significant status or wealth change for either partner
- Gender ratio shifts making alternatives seem more available
The Encouraging News About Preventing Infidelity
While these statistics about cheating rates seem discouraging, the research actually offers hope:
Humans have evolved strong desires for commitment, love, and partnership alongside our tendencies toward variety-seeking. The key difference is that we can consciously choose which tendencies to reinforce.
Unlike other animals that act purely on instinct, humans can:
- Recognize destructive patterns before acting on them
- Consciously choose commitment over temptation
- Build relationship habits that satisfy underlying needs
- Use environmental changes to support fidelity (limiting exposure to temptation, etc.)
Understanding Context Matters
Affairs don’t happen randomly. They’re influenced by:
- Environmental factors (dating pool, social opportunities)
- Perceived options and alternatives
- Resource dynamics between partners
- Whether emotional and commitment needs are being met
- Life stage and relationship duration
The fact that both partners unconsciously evaluate alternatives means relationship maintenance is ongoing work, not something you achieve once and forget about.
Key Takeaways: Preventing Cheating in Your Relationship
- Consistent affection and kindness is the single most effective prevention strategy
- Show commitment through actions, not just words—women especially look for tangible signs of loyalty
- Address ambition and effort concerns early—lack of drive is a major turnoff
- Practice selective attention toward your partner to make them feel prioritized
- Stay aware of risk factors like major life changes or shifts in relative status/income
- Don’t neglect emotional needs—dependability, stability, and feeling loved are critical for long-term satisfaction
- Both partners evaluate alternatives—this is normal, but acting on relationship maintenance prevents it from becoming problematic
The Bottom Line on Affair Prevention
The research suggests that while humans have evolved tendencies toward infidelity under certain conditions, we also possess strong capacities for commitment and loyalty. By understanding the underlying psychology of why people cheat, you can:
- Address root causes before they become problems
- Build daily habits that satisfy your partner’s core needs
- Recognize warning signs early
- Make conscious choices that strengthen rather than undermine your relationship
Preventing affairs isn’t about controlling your partner or constant vigilance—it’s about consistently meeting each other’s emotional needs for affection, commitment, and appreciation while staying engaged with personal growth and relationship quality.
This analysis draws on research from The Evolution of Desire by evolutionary psychologist David Buss, which examined mating behavior across tens of thousands of people in 36 different cultures, making it one of the most comprehensive cross-cultural studies of human attraction and relationship dynamics.
