A viewer left a message about her marriage

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share with you a comment left in one of my videos. I don’t necessarily agree with all her mindsets or her way of viewing things  but I am sure you can gain something of value from hearing her story. Perhaps, it may save you some heartache, pain, time or money. For instance, I think it is very important to not be too influenced by a girl’s beauty when you are considering marriage or anything long-term. Heck, even short-term stuff you have to be careful for because it can all of a sudden be roped or turn into something long term if you let it. I know that can be a very hard thing to do especially when she’s really pretty. I notice you can also be influenced by your body, hormones, and a lack of women into falling in “love” or becoming infatuated with a girl before you really know she is loyal or feels the same way or you do it for the wrong reasons (again – simply based off looks). So that’s a very important lesson to be aware of. You’ll survive it though and move on but it’s a lesson worth saving some time over. Also, it is important to really get to know who that person truly is and how they are. Make sure you get to that level because some people can hide it for years. I have heard enough stories about divorce to teach me a couple things. Hopefully, I am fortunate enough to have the willpower and fortitude to make the right decisions. Warren Buffett said marrying his wife was the most important decision of his life.

I was taught at a young age to guard your heart, and let someone in when they are the right person. In my teens and up to now I have had guys like me like that too, but I try to explain to them, to think about why they like me. Almost always it’s because they think “I’m beautiful, I’m always happy and or I’m confident” which was very sweet and flattering but would they like the person I really am?, and I ask them do they really know me?, and I would ask them to start out being my friend first, then deciding. Is he ok that I am an adult now and I still like to watch Disney movies? That I still dress up for Halloween? That I can be such a clumsy dork a lot? That I’m not as smart when it comes to math and science?  Most of the time, they said yes, but I knew they were just saying that and it was me that didn’t like who they were on the inside because they were arrogant bullies and mean to other people and such. Guys that were old enough to act properly in a store, and they want to be loud and make fun of other people. It was when they thought I wasn’t around paying attention, or even when I was. Either way I refuse to be with anyone like that. I want a man with a good heart. That’s the most important thing for me. He has to be good to his family too. With that said, I do get what your saying, it happened to me once too. I met this guy, that acted like he was a good person on the inside, and loved his family. But he had a little problem with his anger, he’s punch things and get angry easily. I looked passed that because I felt there were no other guys out there that were as good as him. But was he really good? I would ask myself and think about it. I just went by what he told me. I never really saw him do any of those things. So I literally had to eat my own words, that I made all those other guys that liked me go through. I knew in my heart he wasn’t for me, but I wanted what I wanted. And I didn’t want to lose him so I married him. We had been together for almost a year, a majority of that time was from long distance relationship, because I couldn’t let him go. And the wrong thing was I think I was just “in love” with him because of how he made me feel, and because of how he looked. I think it was the same for him too, because after we got married he changed on me, he became mean and abusive, and really controlling. Everything had to be his way, there was no 50-50. He was never like that before, and it was because I realized I never really knew him, I only saw what he allowed me to see. And the more I saw of who he really was on the inside, the more sad and depressed I became. I literally cursed the day I met him.  I felt trapped forever with him because I was raised to believe once you get married there is no divorce. And I tried really hard to be perfect for him, but it’s almost like he looked for things to be mad about. It wasn’t just me, it was at the world too. He was just an angry and miserable person because he wanted to be. I finally left him when he kicked me out of our home because I had forgotten to turn a light off, and I went home for awhile where my family was because I had no where else to go. I had never told them how he was, because I didn’t want to cause trouble between them, but I had no choice but to confess, and they refused to let me go back when he called and wanted me home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, because I still cared about him, and I didn’t want him to feel abandoned, and I was worried he would kill himself, but my family told me if he did anything it would be because he did it to himself, not me. So anyways it’s been about 4 yrs since then, and I really don’t let my guard down ever again. If someone wants to date me they have to be themselves straight up. I tell them to not try to impress me, if your not like that all the time, then just don’t do it. I have probably let really good guys slip away too, but I will never get hurt like that ever again if I can help it. so yeah I get what your saying because it happened to me once. This probably wasn’t the same thing that what you have gone through, but I just wanted to say I do understand.

I think it is important as well to not be scarred or overcalibrated by your past. Being too on guard because of a bad occurrence can keep you from good people or take away from the amazing person  you can be. Again, I am not an expert. There are plenty of books and psychotherapists that may be able to help you better.

I think it depends on the person you’re after. Make sure they’re on the same page if it’s something short-term. A long of young people, girls or guys, are simple and infatuated easily by looks or something else. Many people, even to this day, marry quick with little dating. I see it quite a bit. The person you can control the most is yourself. I don’t see anything wrong with pursuing something short-term if you’re in a hook-up or short-term dating phase. Just make sure that same person is on the same page and draw your lines. Exert some willpower. If it is really bad and that person is a bad influence, then you have to cut the cord no matter how attractive she is. If you’re looking for marriage or long term, different traits should be assessed. I think the health of your relationship and how well you get along for the long term is very important. I think it is important to live together in the same place (not staying over at night) for at least a half year to learn their in’s and out’s and true self (again, they could still hide sometimes). All relationships have tough times but I think it is good to assess how well you click during frustrating times. Do you support eachother? Do you express your frustration? Are you caring? Are you responsive to eachother? Again, notice how a lot of these are not based on how hot a girl looks. In all cases, make sure she is loyal, can be trusted, and likes you the the same way before you fall too deeply for her. Some people recommend you don’t fall too deeply until after sex or until you find out what type of lifestyle she lives and girl she is. I find this whole thing very scary because there are huge swarms of men I see who don’t or never consider this stuff. Some of them just luck out and marry a decent girl I guess. Anyhow, one day I will compile a list of traits and things you should look for in a partner for marriage. It’s on my bucket list. If you have any lists or articles or books on the internet you recommend, let me know. I know already that there are some good ones about marriage and finding the right partner with science behind them I want to read.

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By Will Chou

I am the the founder of this site and I am grateful you are here to be part of this awesome community. I help hard-working Asian American Millennials get rich doing work they love.

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