Throughout my years, I’ve seen many people use what they’re comfortable or good with as a crutch in their social and dating lives. They’ll lean on what they’re comfortable with and avoid the areas they are weak in, unconsciously stifling their potential growth.
It’s human nature to run away from pain and towards comfort, even if it means that short-term pain is going to reduce long-term gains. For example, people who are analytical but scared of and weak at social interactions will prefer not going out and just staying at home using dating apps all day and DMing people they like on Instagram. There’s even some dating experts who found their niche teaching people about dating apps, but you can also tell all they do is use apps to meet women and they never go out. They would struggle or perform average in any other venue with meeting women.
For those who succeeded and hit their goals with their crutch, it may not matter if they’re happy. But there’s plenty of people who are still unhappy with where they’re at and still leaning on their comfort zone crutch. Or they’re noticeably limiting the results they could get. Some of the top, most beautiful, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes aren’t going to be on dating apps because they don’t need them, so you’re limiting your pool. That’s why there’s social circle and event hosting strategies as well as cold approaching people throughout your day in person. Plus, dating apps are so saturated with competition from other men who are too lazy or feeling uncomfortable to go out in person. The gender ratio is very much in the women’s favor, and while you can get results and there are some decent attractive women there, you really need to have some outstanding photos that put you in the top 10% or top 1% to get decent matches as a man.
I’ve been cautious to avoid this trap for a while now, so I’ve addressed the areas I’m weak or scared of. If it means going out to clubs and bars, that’s what I’ll do. If it means I’m scared of going out often, that’s what I’ll do. Unfortunately, that’s not many men. Even the ones who want to improve, I’ve seen many not do much at all. They’ll say they want to go out, but then, they’ll always have some excuse or they’ll show up and leave very quickly. It doesn’t even have to be clubs; can you at least get out of your house and talk to others on a consistent basis? Even that’s not possible for some of them.
The fact of the matter is many people just don’t do what’s difficult and they end up just convincing themselves they’re satisfaction with where they are in life rather than changing. They don’t want to change badly enough. And you can’t change them until they themselves want to change. Or another common results is they get to a moderate level of success or latch onto the first couple girls that like them that they encounter, and they’re satisfied. Or they’ll join some dating coaching program and rather than following all the steps and finishing the system, they’ll get through a small fraction of it, and then, they’ll go back to their normal behaviors or have a bit more success and be satisfied with it. Or they’ll try to mold the program to fit the one area they’re already comfortable and relying on, such as dating apps, rather than follow the system through.
Similarly, there’s people who are already socially skilled but fall to follow the structure and steps of a program. This could be due to the fact that they’re already good looking or naturally gifted enough to get decent results, so they don’t want to experience more discomfort or the discipline of following through a program to get even more results.
The solution is to address the areas you’re avoiding. If you’re obsessed with taking photos in cool places for your Instagram to use it as a dating tool but you’re not working on getting a lot of time talking to people, start going out there and talking to them. If you’re overly analytical, get out there and gradually increase the time per week you’re practicing. If you’re overly social, you need to buckle down and follow the structure and steps given that a coach provides you. Recognize your comfort areas and work on them.
Part of this is going to come down to how badly you want it and how dissatisfied you are with your results. I’ve seen plenty of people just fall back to their regular patterns, and I believe it’s because they don’t want it enough and they’re more comfortable with where they are not than to face the discomfort to change. I know people who were motivated for a couple months or weeks. Then, they went out at night maybe once or twice a week, got some practice, then, just never went out much again after that for the next few months, always with some excuse but you can tell it’s because they’re more comfortable staying in than going out talking to strangers. The next thing I hear is they’re back to trying the dating apps and experiencing modest results.
Additionally, people use bandaids. Another way to describe this concept is when they develop a compensation for a story they tell themselves. It’s similar to a crutch but it’s more about a life story than a weakness in one area. This life story can be real or inaccurate, but it’s often a inner talk story you tell yourself. For example, if one is seen as less than by their parents or peers, they may develop the skill of being funny to compensate as a bandaid or they just become negative, indifferent, or distract themselves in those moments to cope.
What is your story and your bandaid? We aren’t all lucky enough to create some advantageous skill like being funny as a bandaid. Some of us might just cope by staying in, not going out, eating ice cream, watching TV at home, getting flustered in social events, distracting oneself, feeling indifferent or resentful at events if people reject you or aren’t as interesting in you, or just becoming avoidant. It could be anything. I don’t want to get all woo-woo because I’m not an expert, but some say the answer is to love yourself and realize you are already enough, and that self-love will solve everything. You don’t need to be super funny or expressive or put on a show. Is that really true? Maybe you do in order to put yourself above your competition who are all saying and asking the same boring stuff. I don’t know the answer, but I do know that we can’t let the stories we tell ourselves hold ourselves back from our goals.
We have to commit to what we need to do to achieve our goals and break down any obstacles in our path, including something like letting fear keep us on the dating apps and not practicing our social skills – because you still have to go on a date in person at some point. And you need to rewrite the story you tell yourself if it’s telling you something that doesn’t serve you, such as you’re unlikeable or weird or unpopular, and you need to change the bandaids and crutches you’ve created to something more advantageous if they only hinder you from achieving your potential and your goals.
Hi Will, it’s interesting to see your attitude towards coaches somewhat shift. I never pegged you for a guy who would be coached in social interactions/ pick-up. What changes have you noticed in yourself as a result? Have they been worth it?
People have been telling me I am a lot more confident, expressive, outgoing, less monotone, and charismatic. I tell them I don’t notice the difference but when I’m spending so much time practicing every week for over a year, it’s hard to notice. This was through a personal development program and commmunity, not a pick up artist program, called Men of Action.