The harder I work, the luckier I get.
I have this one friend who is a badass when it comes to putting in the work to improve his dating life. He goes out multiple nights a week and pushes through his discomfort of going out even though he doesn’t like it. He’s very courageous and approaches a bunch of women, not because he’s fearless but because he wants to improve his dating life enough that he’s willing to push through the pain or embarrassment of rejection. And he’s done it enough that he realizes that rejection isn’t the end of the world. In fact, it’s just a lack of a connection rather than a rejection. He tries to see it as just not a fit and saving himself time than a rejection, even though it can still get to him on occasion. This friend doesn’t like loud bars or nightclubs, but he goes anyways because there’s a high density of people there that he can practice his social skills with. Even when he feels like he doesn’t want to, he goes out because he has that discipline to work on this area of his life. And over time, he’s gotten much more comfortable in these environments, and it can be fun for him to go out.
I have another friend who also wants to improve his dating life, but he just doesn’t do anything. Sometimes, he’ll say he’ll do something like go out at night, and you might on rare occasion actually see him following through and showing up. But most of the time, his actions don’t follow his words, and what he knows he should do he doesn’t. He feels more comfortable just saying in his comfy home rather than facing the discomfort of something he doesn’t enjoy. And he doesn’t enjoy approaching women with the possibility of rejection and he doesn’t like going out, especially in night time venues like bars and clubs. Ironically, he doesn’t do much in the day time either. He works. On rare occasion, he’ll go to the gym. But not often. And so, he’s not meeting many people in the day time either, even though he knows he should be taking more action.
Now, I’m not saying night-time venues are the best place to meet people. What I am saying is that when you compare these two people, who do you think is getting more results? It seems fairly obvious, right?
Yet, what’s obvious is not always obvious to real people in real life. Maybe they know what they should be doing, but they don’t do it. And in this case, the first friend has moments of doubt. He sometimes says he’s still not that good and there’s a lot of room to improve his social skills and charisma or that he got some dates or success with women, and he feels like it’s just luck as a byproduct of him going out that often. But one thing I told him was the saying, the harder the work, the luckier you get. Is it really all luck? Sure, some of it may just be that he randomly met a girl that liked him even though his game still sucked. But he has to give himself some credit. He is doing a lot more work, and putting himself in front of a lot more girls that create opportunity.
And sure, it should not be just a brute force numbers game. If you’re not improving your physique, style, hygiene, charisma, social skills, etc. and you’re unremarkable in every way, then, you should work on those things too to improve the percentage of women who are receptive to you. But this guy working on those areas too. He’s hitting the gym a lot and eating healthy and trying new things with his style. So, at the end of the day, I do have to give him credit! He’s getting a bit more results than the other guy and going on more dates. And rightfully so. And we have to commend him for that. He wants it more than friend two, and because of that, he’s willing to put in the work others aren’t and reap the results.
I’ve seen a few variations of people who represent friend two. And they’re more likely to settle. It’s not always guaranteed that they’ll never find someone. They sometimes still find someone, but it’s usually from something that fell in their lap or took less effort. They may just resort to the low-effort dating apps, where you can do everything from the comfort of your toilet, and that’s how they meet someone. Or it’s someone they already knew for a while who they gradually end up dating.
To get the better results, there’s no way around putting in the work. Sometimes, you can put in the work ahead of time and create a set up or a party you can invite people to, like Dan Bilzerian says, so that you can work less later. Or you may have to put in the work throughout the process if your approach is to go out to public venues and meet people. Either way, you’re going to have to put in the work. You have to really want it.
Just realize it doesn’t always have to be a chore. You can make this fun. Some people love going out, drinking, and having a good time. There’s a reason why so many women are out at night. It’s not because they hate nightclubs like you. Learn how to enjoy it. There’s plenty of men who love it to and love being an extrovert and socializing.
I’m not saying you have to turn into an extrovert or enjoy clubs or bars or that those are the best places to meet women. Surveys show that most people are introverts. And most men I talk to don’t like clubs and bars.
What I am saying is that no one is coming to save you. You have to figure out a way and put in the work to get out there and find your special someone. Friend two is literally not doing much, even in the day time. Some dating coaches highly encourage you to go out at night even if you don’t like it because it’s the best training ground to improve. Friend two knows this and tried but his actions speak volumes. He hasn’t gone out and will not go out at night. And maybe that’s fine, but at least do something in the day time to meet people. And right now, he’s just not doing much, and dabbling with getting back on the apps.
As complicated as dating advice seems, it can be boiled down to some basic digital marketing principles: increasing the traffic (a.k.a. putting yourself in front of more single women where there’s a chance) and increasing the conversion rate (a.k.a improving how you are perceived to be seen as more attractive and a catch through the environments you meet, how you meet, how you present yourself, how others talk about you, etc.). So, get out of your house. Do more! Fire on all cylinders. Try everything. No one knows you exist if you’re home alone all the time. And do more than the easy, low-hanging fruit, like putting up a crappy dating profile with grainy photos on thet apps because the low barrier to entry means you’re competing with a bunch of other lazy people doing the bare minimum.
