The worst dating advice that I keep hearing from women is “just be yourself.”
And I have the best evidence for this. In my personal experience, I’ve often had trouble getting a second date after the first date. Usually, I’m being myself. I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. I’m honest, vulnerable, kind, and who I normally am. It’s not difficult or rocket science to do this.
Yet often, I get the dreaded “I don’t feel the chemistry” text afterwards. Sure, sometimes, you just don’t match up with people in terms of values, interests, and personalities. You don’t always have to change yourself or influence the outcome. However, it’s happened often enough for me that it’s gone beyond the idea that “it’s just not a match.” This is a clear dating skill problem that I have to fix.
I’m not alone either. Having been a part of paid coaching programs, fellow classmates have voiced the same issue. It’s a common issue with Asian Americans because they’re so naturally logical and fail to be playful, fun, flirtatious, and emotional, which females tend to gravitate to unconsciously more.
Dating expert Logan Ury urges in her best-selling book and her social media posts that you should give people a chance if there’s no chemistry because studies/statistics show that lack of initial chemistry does not indicate that you won’t be a very successful relationship afterwards, and initial chemistry is an overhyped, temporary thing that really should be under-prioritized over other important partner traits. Plus, chemistry can build over time as you get to know someone.
Unfortunately, her reach isn’t large enough to convince people, and women don’t care. They go off their biological tendencies, so of course, they’re going to cut it off if they’re not feeling chemistry, which happens all the time.
I don’t feel I need to overcomplicate the solution. The one thing you should focus on is how can you make this conversation one that isn’t the same as a platonic coworker-to-coworker or friend-to-friend? This can be done with the conversation, taking things romantic or sexual, as well as your tone, body language, facial expressions, and how you touch a girl.
I haven’t mastered this, but I’m trying to be more playful, flirt mort, use “that’s what she said” jokes (a common tip, but the opportunities don’t come up as often in practice I’ve found), and touch more. Frankly, I’m not the best at it yet because it’s really tough to touch on a date for me. I find it abnormal sometimes, especially if she’s sitting across from you. I am recently trying to get to settings where she sits next to me, and I try to at least touch on the shoulder or arm since those aren’t too much at the start.
Reddit can be hit or miss with the accuracy of their opinions and advice. But one tidbit that was most upvoted as advice was to not appear to be too boring and lack the playful hypotheticals of what you could do with another person. Without being open to having cool, interesting experiences or displaying too boring of a life, you can come off dull.