Being very agreeable is a common problem for many men in the modern world. In some areas of life, it’s fine. The world rewards you for being agreeable. But in other fields, it just doesn’t work.
In career and business, the overly agreeable person is usually sub-communicating subservient, low-status behavior. They come off needy, desperate, and lower status. This can lead to less sales as a salesman since people are naturally repulsed by this, according to sales guru Jeremy Miner. Or if you have always agree when debating over a business decision with the team, you’re not delivering your true value as part of the company because you’re hiding things you want to voice that could lead to a better decision.
When trying to be friends or network with celebrities, micro-influencers, or high-status individuals, the same rules apply. Everyone is kissing their butt, so being agreeable just puts you in the category of people that are invisible to them or that they’re repulsed by because everyone else is doing the same thing and avoiding disagreeing with them on anything. It gets kind of old when everyone is a yes man to these people.
And of course, there’s dating. The more sought after a woman is, the more she is used to men agreeing with her and chasing her approval. Similar to famous people, the way to stand out is to challenge or disagree on occasion since the majority of people around her are always agreeing with everything she says and not having their own opinion. Many dating coaches, from Michael Sartain to Todd Valentine (he just did a video about this) will tell you how you need to occasionally challenge and disagree.
Typically, low-status, low-value people are always agreeable, so there’s almost a glass ceiling on your results if you’re always agreeable because you embody these behaviors and others see that. You may even find that higher value people subconsciously respect or label you when you behave or just “be yourself.”
That brings me to a challenge I’ve created for myself these last few weeks that you’re welcome to join me in. Like many men, my mannerisms are very agreeable and come off as the typical “nice guy.” Because of this, people stereotype me as the always agreeable person within a short period of time after they meet me. Therefore, I have a habit of agreeing with people that will be tough to break. So, I’ve made it a point to disagree with every person I talk to at least once within the first two minutes of meeting them, the earlier the better. Part of that is getting over the fear that they’re going to hate me if I disagree with them because it isn’t true, especially if you don’t do it in an overboard, aggressive manner.
These experts say the best way to learn this skill is to go overboard and then dial it back. It’s much faster to learn to be calibrated by going overboard than to inch your way up one level at a time and become slightly more disagreeable – that will take forever. That’s why it could be good to talk to strangers you’ll never see again. My lifestyle doesn’t involve meeting that many strangers unless I’m out at night at a bar or club, so that’s when I will intentionally go out to practice. But in the day, I’ll do something similar if I strike up a conversation with someone.
What I’ve learned so far is that roughly 20% of the time, I’ll go overboard. But I sometimes need to because otherwise, I feel they don’t even realize I’m challenging them at all. And when I go overboard, I often come off so strong that they think I’m dead serious and really dislike something. For example, if they say they’re from Texas, I’ll say “F Texas!!!”
After getting feedback from people, I realize the words I say and the lack of facial expressions is what I need to tweak. I should come at it with an air of playfulness. I should say it differently such as, “You are from Texas? Oh. That’s a bit disappointing…” I have a resting serious face makes it seem I’m dead serious and aggressive rather than playful, so I should smile or smirk more and practice nailing a good smirk in front of a mirror. That’s my own personal lessons learned, so you may have your own custom issues you need to fix.
You have to fail to learn to success, so no worries! I was a little let down when someone walked away from me when I went overboard, but it’s not the end of the world.
Sometimes, there is no opportunity to disagree or I don’t actually disagree with their point of view. Most would let this slide and move on. For me, I don’t get enough interactions in a day that I can practice, so I will sometimes let it slide and sometimes I will try to guide the conversation to something where I can disagree or disagree anyways to practice. It’s also a practice to teach myself the world is not going to end if you don’t agree with someone all the time. You don’t have to disagree with every little thing, but at least one thing.
If you’re struggling with coming across less agreeable all the time, join me with the challenge. Make it a 30-day challenge. I personally am going to go above and beyond and do this more than 30 days since I need it, but 30 days may be enough for you.
