In most areas of life, the world has taught us that being agreeable works great. People prefer harmonious relationships in the workplace and in communities.
One area it doesn’t work is dating. The over-agreeable, nice guy is seen as lower value and not as attractive, someone who is too willing to bend over backwards and change their own opinions just to try to please the girl. Since I have gotten a good of feedback from credible people that I need to challenge women more, I have set a goal to do this. I’ve been recommended to do this in all my interactions, not just the small window in my life when I’m interacting with women.
What I mean by challenging more is not becoming a complete asshole and cursing them out or just disagreeing harshly with them repeatedly. That’s the opposite end of the extreme. I mean occasionally standing my ground and voicing a different opinion or asking a question back to challenge their point of view about a topic.
When I first experimented with this, part of me felt like it wouldn’t work. Surely, women won’t respond well if I disagree or say I don’t like where they’re from or something they do. Some unconscious part of me thought they’d think I was being mean and not like that. But sometimes, it worked! They responded well off the opener sometimes. Theory is different from reality. On rare occasion, they would think I was being mean, but that’s because I was inexperienced, socially mis-calibrated, and said things that were too mean and I didn’t have good delivery – I delivered it too dryly with no smile on my face. I can fix that over time.
Even in your career or a business, you’re better off challenging and standing your ground on occasion. The individual who is always conflict avoidant and overly agreeable is just going to let bad business decisions steamroll them and potentially negatively affect the business results of the company. Imagine a boss or coworker proposing a bad idea and not pointing out some reasons they didn’t consider why it’s bad. They’re more likely to go through with it.
Therefore, I set a challenge to be disagreeable in all my interactions throughout my lifestyle. I need this because I otherwise won’t get enough practice in my lifestyle. You can join this challenge too if you fall in the same camp. Frankly, a lot of men tend to fall into this overly agreeable stereotype, especially people of Asian and Indian descent because of culture.
I don’t have a job with many meetings. On average, I have about 6 or 7 hours of meetings per week, and I’m only talking in a portion of each meeting. The rest of the time, I’m working on my own. When I sense an opportunity though, I will try to challenge a bit more respectfully. I tend to be safer with my challenges here since it’s my career, and I don’t want to mess up or say something miscalibrated that can have consequences.
Outside of work, I can be more challenging and try things out since if I mess up and go too harsh, it’s not as big a deal. I can learn from the experience and adjust. And these are strangers I likely won’t run into again. Sure, if it’s a recurring fitness class or pickleball practice, I might be a bit more careful than if I’m going to a bar or I’m at a public place with a lot of tourists or strangers flowing through.
I aim to challenge someone at least twice in a conversation. Even if it’s not something I actually disagree with, I will try to challenge them for practice. I don’t like lying, and it’s against my values, but I don’t see this as lying. I see this as a Socratic method of just getting the other person to consider other perspectives.
I already give off a very agreeable impression, so that’s why I aim for more than one. I’ve been recommended to challenge with a question rather than directly saying I disagree or saying I dislike something. While I’ve experimented with the latter, it usually leads to harsher reactions, even with me. A question is less of a direct challenge that can lead to a negative reaction.
Try and do the same throughout your life, not just for a small window of time in your day, and it will become more of a habit and you will get more used to it and less scared of it. Share your experiments and wins in the comments.
