A supermodel met a pro gamer through Twitter. And they ended dated for years despite being separated by hundreds of thousands of miles. This is a real story that took place and it went viral on the Internet.
Most of the world seems to only care about a couple traits when they’re looking for a partner: looks and money. But is that really the smartest decision? What about how good of a parent they’ll be, how smart they are, how caring they are, how hard working they are, and so on?
By the end of this post, you will know some truly important things to look for in a strong, long-lasting marriage partner.
Why should you care?
Many businessman credit their marriage as the greatest support to their business.
Warren Buffett calls it his single greatest investment.
Back to the story:
I just saw a Call of Duty Youtube gamer FaZe Censor court a very well known Mexican model and weather girl Yanet Garcia, who lives in another country, through Twitter over the last few weeks.
Long story short, they have been visiting eachother and are now in a relationship.
That’s social media for you.
It does make me wonder though because in one video he talks about what he likes about her and it’s basically that she’s kind and is very physically attractive.
When most people, especially men, are asked what they look for in a partner they are considering for marriage, they have no idea. At most, many will say physically attractive and some will throw in a couple others like intelligent and accomplished. For women, they may have up to 4 or 5 but no more which usually include kind, funny, cute, and smart. For both genders, especially females, our genetics do a lot of the selecting for us. We unconsciously are attracted to certain traits, behaviors, and qualities on the inside and outside of a person. However, that does not always prove efficient. It only acts as a general long term strategy for many generations as a part of natural selection for a population as a whole to survive and reproduce.
Individually, these can still lead us astray and cause a lot of unnecessary pain or heartache. No one wants to divorce, lose half their money, lose their dog in court, go through numerous fights, lose custody of their kids, be unhappy with a partner, find out your partner is a bad influence on your success in life, or find out they’ve been cheated on. So what can we do to better our chances? Well, figure out what traits and qualities to actually look for if you’re considering marriage with a partner where only death should do you part. So I am researching and looking through quite a few marriage books to find one that is at least decent on covering this topic. There are a few with good science in them but I have lost them and I will find them. When I do, I will read and review a video on them and distill the big points for you guys on my Youtube. This is definitely necessary in this day and age, when celebrities are divorcing in record times (a month, a year, a day).
Until then, I have provided you with the next best thing.
This man traveled the world and interviewed some of the couples who have been together the longest (and I’m talking decades!). Here are some of the universal traits he’s found to make a relationship successful across gender, ethnicity, culture, etc.
- Self Love
The happiest couples always consisted of two (sometimes more) emotionally healthy and independently happy individuals. These people practiced self-love. They treated themselves with the same type of care that they treated their partner… or at least they tried to.
Emotionally healthy people know how to forgive, they are able to acknowledge their part in any disagreement or conflict and take responsibility for it. They are self-aware enough to be assertive, to pull their weight, and to give love when it’s most difficult.
After that emotional health came an unquestioning level of commitment. The happiest couples knew that if shit got real, their significant other wasn’t going to walk out on them. They knew that even if things got hard – no, especially if things got hard – they were better off together. The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.
Happy couples trust each other… and they have earned each others’ trust. They don’t worry about the other person trying to undermine them or sabotage them, because they’ve proven over and over again that they are each other’s biggest advocate. That trust is built through actions, not words. It’s day after day after day of fidelity, service, emotional security, reliability.
Establish that foundation, and you’re in good shape.
This is the icing on the cake. There’s a difference between the couple who drives through the rainstorm and the couple who pulls their car to the side of the road to make out in the rain. (Yes, that’s a true story.) There’s a difference between the couple who kisses for 10 seconds or longer when they say goodbye to each other rather than just giving each other a peck… or nothing at all. There’s a difference between the couples who encourage each other to pursue their personal goals at the expense of their own discomfort or inconvenience… even if it means their partner has to stage kiss another woman.
The couples who try on a daily basis to experience some sort of meaningful connection, or create a fun memory are the couples who shattered my perception of what was possible in a loving relationship.
You do not have to be financially secure either apparently. It’s not avoiding tough times. It’s getting through them well. I’ve found this to be true in some of the longest living people of all time I have studied too. They didn’t let the obstacles of life get in their way.
Most of the strongest couples had undergone times of extreme hardship, many of which included poverty.
For example: Reed and Allene went bankrupt, and ended up selling spoons door-to-door to avoid losing absolutely everything.
What separated couples like Reed and Allene from others is that when hardship hit them, they had each others’ backs, and they went to work and did what needed to be done. Marriage (or any sort of long-term commitment) is about team work, fighting for each other, and using each other to lean on in the hard times.
Finances has very little to do with quality of love. Actions have everything to do with quality of love.
How to properly approach arguments:
5. Don’t Fight To Win
A huge number of couples talked about how they didn’t fight against each other. I mean, if you’re in love, you should be playing for the same team. Your goal should be to resolve the issue, not to emerge victorious over the love of your life… and let’s be honest, you just feel guilty when you win anyway.
6. Seek to Understand
If you’re having a hard time playing on the same team, stop fighting and instead try to understand why your partner is upset. Typically what’s being talked about isn’t the real issue. People are inherently bad at being vulnerable, especially in threatening situations. Be willing to ask sincere questions. Let the answers sink in. If she is complaining that you’re spending too much time at work, maybe the real issue is that she misses you, and wants to feel connected with you. Rather than arguing about how you’re providing for the family, and she needs to respect how hard you work, try to listen to what she’s really saying. Then hold her. Come home early one day, and surprise her with a date, or some special one-on-one time. Reassure her that she, and your relationship, are a priority for you. If you don’t want that same issue to arise again, keep investing in the solution.
7. Just Be Nice To Each Other Seriously. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t call names. Don’t take jabs. Don’t try to hurt the other person. Argue naked if it helps… but just be kind and civil ad respectful. It will prevent so many bad things from happening.
8. It’s values and goals that matter and not interests.
That was actually one of the things I was most curious about when I started my journey, and also one of the things that surprised me most.
It was honestly almost a 50/50 split. Some people swore that opposites attract, and really needed to have similar interests and personalities. Others were convinced that birds of a feather flock together, and that you need to compliment and balance each other out..
I think what was most important was not so much that people had the surface stuff in common, but that they had the same values, and similar goals. (ie: someone who is dedicated to personal growth was rarely found with someone who was happy to be complacent, someone who didn’t want kids was never found with someone who did.)
Values superseded interests.
9. You have the power to up the level of connection and happiness with your partner NOW.
The most important thing I learned was 2-fold.
First, I learned that a long-term relationship isn’t about making you happy. It’s about personal growth. To put it overly simply, the happiness that we all desire is a result of overcoming challenges and obstacles together and experiencing the thrills of victory and achievement.
I always thought that once I was unhappy in a relationship, something was wrong and the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Classic rookie mistake.
The other thing I learned is that the majority of relationships are ignorant to how mediocre they are. They have absolutely NO idea the levels of happiness, connection, and joy they are capable of experiencing… but it’s only because they don’t know it’s possible.
Most couples don’t realize that with 5 minutes of effort or creativity every day, they could completely raise the level of their relationship in a way that could drastically change their lives.
It’s a matter of changing how we think. For example: Instead of asking “How was your day?” at the end of every day, try asking a question that proves you actually care about the answer. “What made you laugh the hardest today?” or “Was there a point today when you felt alone?” or “What was your biggest personal victory today?”
One couple made it a goal that whenever they kiss goodbye, their kiss will last longer than 10 seconds. They are committed to keeping that romantic passion alive in their relationship… and all it takes is 10 seconds.
The Divorce statistic is a misguided myth
Divorce statistics are one of the biggest myths we subscribe to in our culture. You’ll notice that whenever someone tosses out that statistic they don’t have a good source to back it up.
It started when the Census Bureau noticed that during one year, there were 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. Someone caught wind of it, and decided that if you have twice as many marriages as divorces, the divorce rate must be 50%.
Because the media doesn’t fact check themselves, and they love to regurgitate sensationalized statistics, the divorce rate has become somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now couples get married with the idea that they only really have a 50% chance of really working out, and if things go wrong, they can opt for a divorce.
So now we’re faced with a new issue, because divorce has become a cultural norm. The leading cause of divorce in America is “irreconcilable differences”… which more often than not means, “we stopped getting along,” or “we grew apart.” Some would argue that excuse is kind of a cop out. (Not trying to knock you if you fit into that category. I realize everyone’s situation is different.)
So… to answer your question, I think that divorce statistic is sad. I wish people knew that marriage wasn’t a coin toss, and that they have far more control over whether or not they stay married – and happily married, for that matter – than a misquoted statistic.
10. Find emotionally stable and independently happy people for relationships.
Honestly, I’ve learned that the best types of people to have in a relationship are the people who are happy whether they’re in one or not. I’m a very happy single person.
I’m living an awesome, happy life. I would much rather be happy and single for the rest of my life than married and miserable… so I’m taking my time with the whole marriage decision. I want to make sure I make the right choice, and that I’m as prepared as possible for when I enter into that commitment.
It can be a lot of fun preparing too, for what it’s worth. :D
If you liked this post, I do more marriage, dating, and relationship videos on my channel at youtube.com/willyoulaugh
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